bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
