Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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