I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
