Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
These tits shall not be calmed
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
