I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
