Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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