The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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