well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Drunk is not a location!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize