Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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