Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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