Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
