I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.