I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize