I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
