I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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