he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
