This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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