I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
