I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
