pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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