mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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