If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
