please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
