I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
