Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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