I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
