i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
