3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
