If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
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We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday