...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs