I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
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Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.