I bet he comes in French.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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