Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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