I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I did not marry a roomba.
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