I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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