I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
