I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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