Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
