I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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