I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
