you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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