I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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