Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I met the friendliest cop last night
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
