so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
