Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
