When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
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I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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