I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize