My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
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it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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