I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
