i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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