Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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