So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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