his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We don't watch enough power rangers
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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