FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
