I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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