Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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