Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
did i walk over a car last night?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
