well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
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