it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
